Oops!

Go to the new site at www.becomingwhoyouare.net

You’re in the wrong place!

For newer, shinier and more bountiful goodies please visit and bookmark the new site (www.becomingwhoyouare.net).

It is awesome.

Lost Generation

A well-made video about society, stories and change.

Embrace Life

I just saw this advert. It was made by the Sussex Road Safety campaign to encourage road users to wear their seatbelt.

Although it’s short, I found it incredibly striking. It’s visually and aurally beautiful but it also works on a much deeper level.

Because it’s a fantastic metaphor for good relationships.

Deep down, that’s what we all crave. People to enjoy the journey with us, to be our seatbelts when we need them to be. And to let us be their seatbelts too.

Sometimes we go about this in an unhealthy way. Sometimes we want people to be our seatbelts all the time, when they just can’t. Other times, we think we don’t need seatbelts, that we can do it all on our own.

The fact is, we all need seatbelts sometimes. Part of becoming who you are is about recognising that, identifying those who can be good seatbelts in your life and giving those relationships the attention and work they deserve.

Who are your seatbelts; the people who are going to catch you when you fall and let you catch them in return?

Gratitude (aka really feeling the love)

Grateful: –adjective

1. Warmly or deeply appreciative of kindness or benefits received; thankful: I am grateful to you for your help.
2. Expressing or actuated by gratitude: a grateful letter.
3. Pleasing to the mind or senses; agreeable or welcome; refreshing: a grateful breeze.

When was the last time you were truly grateful for something? Like, really, truly grateful?

I used to use the phrase ‘I appreciate…’ a lot, without actually feeling that appreciation. In the definition above, the terms ‘warmly’ and ‘deeply’, for me, describe what gratitude is really about. It’s an intense feeling from within, something that makes you feel fuzzy and smile, something that makes you happy you’re alive.

What We Are Taught About Gratitude

Gratitude gets pretty bad publicity when we’re kids. All those ‘shoulds’ and ‘ought tos’ become more of a burden than a joy: ‘you should feel grateful for X’; ‘you ought to appreciate Y’.

When we’re told what we should and shouldn’t be feeling grateful for, our own genuine feelings of thankfulness and pleasure can get lost.

So let’s get that gratitude back.

I’m not talking about the gratitude that, as children, we are told we should feel for things like having a nice house, being born (by chance) into a wealthy family, having food on the table.

It’s not that we shouldn’t feel grateful for those things, it’s that we should only feel grateful for them if we truly feel it. I’m glad I was born in the UK in modern times. I’m grateful that I had food, shelter and an education. I just don’t appreciate being told that I should feel a certain way without any curiosity about my actual thoughts.

If you try and force someone to think or feel in a certain way, you are going to kill that part of them that naturally occurs. When gratitude becomes a ‘should’ or ‘have to’, instead of a spontaneously occurring feeling, that spontaneity will be lost. This is one of the reasons why the world is so gratitude-deficient today.

Gratitude Today

When it comes to rebuilding my own sense of gratitude, I focus on the little things and work up.

Coffee

I adore that first cup of coffee in the morning (yes, that probably makes me an addict but as far as addictions go, I’m ok with stopping at coffee).

Writing with a fountain pen

So much more satisfying than a biro – don’t ask why.

The people I know

The kindness and support they have given and let me give back in return.

My health

I used to only think about my health when it went wrong. Now, whenever I think about it, I remember to enjoy it – it’s not going to be there forever.

My inner thoughts

I’m an introvert. There’s a lot going on in my head that I sometimes find difficult to express. This used to frustrate me and leave me feeling alienated from others. Now, I love the fact I have this private inner world that is deep, rich and purely me.

The fact I’m alive

A friend asked me recently ‘how often do you think about death?’ and I replied, ‘Most days.’ The way I think about death has changed. I don’t feel scared by it – it’s an inevitability (plus I get around London by bike, which is like participating in an extreme sport). However, there are definitely things I want to do, see and feel before my time is up. I don’t believe there is anything after death and if I did, I might not live my life as fully as I could now.

Building Gratitude

One you open up the gratitude, it’s everywhere. One super simple practice that got me on the gratitude wagon was the idea of keeping a gratitude journal. This is simply a list of everything you are grateful for. You can add to it daily, weekly, monthly or just when new things come up – whatever you want.

If you’re part of the Apple contingent, Happy Tapper and Live Happy both produce apps for the iPhone and iPod touch containing gratitude journals (I haven’t actually tried either of these myself but have heard good things).

You can start now: even if you’re in a hurry, sit back for a moment and try and imagine one thing you feel grateful for. It doesn’t matter how big or small it is – what matters is that it’s real gratitude and it’s yours.

The Beginning: Part 1 (aka metaphors!)

OK, so we’re going on a journey. It’s long-haul.

Like, years long.

If you’re anything like me, you’re going to be thinking about the in-flight movies (yay), wishing you had remembered to choose the ‘vegetarian’ food option (damn) and hoping you don’t get that annoying middle seat that’s neither on the aisle or next to the window. Oh, and not sitting next to someone whose company is going to double the journey time.

And that’s kind of like our lives (except maybe the bit about food).

We have no idea what we’re going to see, who we’re going to meet and what experiences we’re going to have over the next few years. There will be plenty of real-life movies to participate in and watch. People will come into our lives and go out again; some will be keepers, while others will be people we are glad to leave behind.

Wait, We Haven’t Left Yet!

The thing is, this long-haul flight analogy only goes so far. The whole point of becoming who you are is that you make your own journey.

So, let’s start at the beginning. Introducing…

The Airport Metaphor

You’re queuing for the check-in desk. Perhaps you’re excited, maybe you’re nervous (or excitevous – a mixture of both). If you’ve been in an airport before, you probably know the security mantra (here’s where the metaphor gets a bit stretchy, but stay with me).

‘Don’t leave your luggage unattended’

There are many different parts of you that are all going to feel different things about this journey. Take care of all those parts and they’ll come around. Neglect them, and this journey will be far more difficult, if not impossible.

‘If anyone gives you anything to take on the flight, don’t accept it’

We all have burdens from the past. These might be expectations, thought patterns or beliefs about ourselves. Perhaps some people you know might not be so keen on the idea of you taking this journey. Leave that behind; remember this is your journey and you don’t need to take other people’s negative baggage with you…

‘All luggage is subject to searches’

…because by now, you’ve probably got enough of your own. Do you really need it all? Or are there things that might get in the way? Self-examination is time-consuming and really tough but it has to be done from time to time to ensure your journey is safe.

Checking-In

At the start of the journey, we can look at where we’re at.

This first look isn’t about finding deficiencies in ourselves: we already have all the tools we need to go on this journey.

This first look is about finding what we don’t need to take with us as we start. It’s about beginning to let that all go. And this process starts with identification and awareness.

As you check in, take a look at the stuff you have. If you want to take it all with you, that’s cool. If not, how will you feel leaving some of it behind?